The Kids Are Listening: Let’s tell them the truth

When I was a kid, my family didn’t talk about the important stuff that was going on in the world. The news was on TV of course. And I probably overheard adults talking here and there. But as for dinner-table discussions that helped me see the world clearly and allowed me to ask questions that were answered? No. 

Born in 1963, the first decade or so of my life included the Vietnam War, Civil Rights Acts, and the murders of Malcolm X and Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr to name just a few. Things that folks were reeling with on all sides. 

Not a word from the adults in my life asking me what I thought or explaining a tough idea or noticing and addressing my assured anxiety. I can barely take a deep breath as I write this. I remember and feel it all so deeply. My single-digit little self was left to process and make sense of it all alone. 

Which means I came to all sorts of false conclusions. Not the least of which was that stifling silence was normal and the best way to cope. I was taught by example and reprimand that asking, speaking, wondering, clarifying and god forbid, disagreeing, was WAY more scary than keeping quiet. All of it a screaming testament of the power of oppressive systems rather than an implication of poor parenting. 

But then somewhere along the line I learned the truth. Silence is complicity and scaring into silent complicity is a wildly successful tool to keep oppressive systems oppressing. Speaking isn’t as dangerous or daring as it seems. It is, in fact, a needed antidote to undo and liberate. 

So here I am as a grown-up trying to find my voice to ask without silencing myself and then listen without silencing others. Here I am a 57-year-old woman still pushing through the false notion that I should be seen and not heard and it feels ridiculous to my brain that this is still a challenge, but damn. Those early messages and actions worked their way deep into my cells and I know it will take the rest of my days to work them out. Which is fine. I’m up for the challenge and doing it for reals and maybe helping others do the same. 

But wouldn’t it be cool if the next generation of grown-ups, the kids right now, weren’t silenced? If the current still-unwinding-the-falsehood adults could somehow turn around, push through the awkwardness and fear to break the long-buried agreement not to rock the white supremacy boat and just talk with the kids in their lives, especially those single-digit ones who are curious and aware and probably a little scared about all of the big stuff going on around us? Levels of anxiety are skyrocketing in our young folks. I’m wondering if this disconnect between knowing things are not alright and life going on per usual is a contributing factor. I witness several of my friends and family parenting their kids in this way, with age-appropriate openness and honesty about current events and systems, and it’s such a relief. I think it actually heals some of my own silenced anxieties from those early years. 

“Patriarchy may seem like a big word for little kids, but so is Tyrannosaurus.” ~ @first_conversations

Other big words and concepts: white supremacy, police brutality, mass incarceration, prison abolition, xenophobia, defund the police, Capitol riots, insurrection, coronavirus pandemic, Black Lives Matter, misogyny, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, gender neutral, ++++, climate change, race, equity, oppression, capital punishment …to name a few. 

“The truth is, giving words to oppressive systems of power can be very empowering for young children.” #firstconversations

AND, they are emboldened to ask and speak and listen without rebuke. Knowing they’re not alone. Missing out on the debilitating, harmful lesson of complicit silence.

Fortunately there are loads of folks who know exactly how to talk with kids of various ages about all of those big words and concepts. Here are just a smattering to check out:

• Social Justice Parenting – Dr. Tracey Baxley (also @socialjusticeparenting)
• Learning for Justice (formerly known as Teaching Tolerance) (@learningforjustice)
• @curious.parenting Empowering children to be antiracist and connected to their emotions. (Check out their website in their Instagram bio for lots of resources.
• Her Flowers – bringing teenage girls together to discuss antiracism (@herflowersofficial)
• Beyond the Stoplight – lots of info about talking about the Capitol riots and if you scope out their full site, you’ll see so much more.
• How I’m Talking to My Kids About the Derek Chauvin Trial – an article by Dr. Esau McCaulley, a Black man and professor at Wheaton College in Illinois, about how he speaks honestly to his four children.

Plus So. Many. Books.

• Being You: A First Conversation about Gender by Megan Madison and Jessica Ralli (@first_conversations)
• Our Skin: A First Conversation about Race by Megan Madison and Jessica Ralli
• Sometimes People March by Tessa Allen
• A Kids Book About Racism by Jelani Memory (also a video of him reading it)
• Also others @akidsbookabout
• Read Like a Rock Star – Naomi O’Brien (LOTS of books and suggestions for their use) (@readlikearockstar)
• Here Wee Read (so many books for all ages) (@hereweeread)
• Books for Diversity (MORE BOOKS!) (@booksfordiversity)
• Stamped: Racism, Antiracism and You by Jason Reynolds and Ibram X. Kendi: This book is billed as a ‘remix of Stamped From the Beginning‘, written for kids age 12 and up – fast-paced and written with teenage lingo and just plain, straight talk and I wish I could have read it when I was 12+. But I didn’t/couldn’t. Now is the next best time. I also wish I would have read it with my kids when they were teens. It just opens us up to talking about race in clear, honest ways (not whitewashing.) It’s won all sorts of awards. And it has an educator’s guide so if you’re a teacher or a parent or an aunt or uncle or lead a book club, you can download the guide for free and enhance your discussion which is super helpful for us white folks who aren’t used to discussing race with the kids in our lives or at all. (Also, Jason Reynolds has a slew of other books that look great, so keep digging into his website and social media, etc.)

Another blog I’ve written that relates to this was published in the Journal Gazette and can be found here.